Slow Road to Recovery

Watching, longingly as they moved across the room together. Hand in hand they sat in the booth together and shared a menu, playing with each others hands as each scanned the options. Entranced by their apparent happiness I watched as they turned to each other and continued their "hand dance". Their fingers clinched together, he leaned in and kissed her forehead and a serene smile spread across her already content-looking face. They gazed into each others eyes and mouthed the words "I love you". I painfully turned away, sitting alone I lifted my book back to eyes. Reminding myself that I choose to sit alone, I think. Battling the want to leap from my chair and run into the arms of a stranger and cry out Love me. Make me whole and self-assured. Complete my broken self image, make me who you want me to be, and I'll love you forever!!!!
Fighting the urges of an addict, I remind myself, Your not in control. I close my eyes briefly to regain ground and perspective on why I'm sitting alone. Why it's okay to eat alone. Why it's okay to sit alone with my thoughts and my book and reflect on the Grace that God has given me. That thought regains my composure. I take a deep breath and silently repeat....God, make me whole. In you, I'm self-assured. In you, I find the pieces to complete my broken self image. Make me who You want me to be, and I love you....Forever...Amen.

Written By: Amber Needham after and interesting meal at the Acansa.....It's a slow road to recovery.

My drug of choice...

I am an everything addict.

I can become addicted to anything but there is one thing above all others. One thing I tend to gravitate to, go through withdrawls for, sacrifice myself, my happiness, and my goals for....The "feeling" of being in LOVE.
It sounds cute to some people, and most girls would say, "ahhhh....what's wrong with that?". But THAT is a HUGE problem, let me repeat I am addicted to the "feeling" of being in Love. Am a truly in love? NO. Do I honestly care about building a happy, healthy functioning relationship? NO. All I want is to be feed compliments to create a false sence of self-assurance. Therefore I do far more harm to myself and others than good. I love romance movies, the music swells as the lovers embrace, they longingly gaze into eachothers eyes and whisper "I love you" moments before their lips touch and they are caught up in the perfect kiss. Or my favorite is when the couple in the end after a long and toilsom battle realize that they are meant to be and promise never to leave eachothers side. It beautiful, but to me it's more than that, it's what I want it's what I need. I used to watch romance movies and come out angry and depressed because it was "guys" that preventing me from having a timeless romance like that. It's really quite twisted if you think about it. The persuit of that feeling is what I am addicted to and if I don't get it, like all other addicts I will begin to alter mylife style and manipulate the people around me to get my fix. I am no different than a person addicted to heroine or cocaine. My drug is self-gratifying actions, feelings, and words from other people. People are my syringes, and the feeling I get from my using them is My drug of choice.

To My Syringe....

It gets easier every moment, every second that I pretend you don't exsist.
Everytime the phone rings and it's not you on the other line, or someone knocks on the door and it's not your figure shadowing my walkway it gets easier to believe you'll never shadow my walkway again.
With each heart beat I learn to complete myself in your absence.
Everytime I sleep a little longer than necessary or talk to someone I don't know, my memories of you become more like an unrealistic aspiration.
I'm growing into myself, becomming more self-sufficiant. I'm learning to complete my life, without you.
I've developed new hope for my future with the added adventure of not knowing who I'll share it with. I awake each morning knowing, I'm going to be okay. My life Will go on without you.