My drug of choice...
I am an everything addict.
I can become addicted to anything but there is one thing above all others. One thing I tend to gravitate to, go through withdrawls for, sacrifice myself, my happiness, and my goals for....The "feeling" of being in LOVE.
It sounds cute to some people, and most girls would say, "ahhhh....what's wrong with that?". But THAT is a HUGE problem, let me repeat I am addicted to the "feeling" of being in Love. Am a truly in love? NO. Do I honestly care about building a happy, healthy functioning relationship? NO. All I want is to be feed compliments to create a false sence of self-assurance. Therefore I do far more harm to myself and others than good. I love romance movies, the music swells as the lovers embrace, they longingly gaze into eachothers eyes and whisper "I love you" moments before their lips touch and they are caught up in the perfect kiss. Or my favorite is when the couple in the end after a long and toilsom battle realize that they are meant to be and promise never to leave eachothers side. It beautiful, but to me it's more than that, it's what I want it's what I need. I used to watch romance movies and come out angry and depressed because it was "guys" that preventing me from having a timeless romance like that. It's really quite twisted if you think about it. The persuit of that feeling is what I am addicted to and if I don't get it, like all other addicts I will begin to alter mylife style and manipulate the people around me to get my fix. I am no different than a person addicted to heroine or cocaine. My drug is self-gratifying actions, feelings, and words from other people. People are my syringes, and the feeling I get from my using them is My drug of choice.
I can become addicted to anything but there is one thing above all others. One thing I tend to gravitate to, go through withdrawls for, sacrifice myself, my happiness, and my goals for....The "feeling" of being in LOVE.
It sounds cute to some people, and most girls would say, "ahhhh....what's wrong with that?". But THAT is a HUGE problem, let me repeat I am addicted to the "feeling" of being in Love. Am a truly in love? NO. Do I honestly care about building a happy, healthy functioning relationship? NO. All I want is to be feed compliments to create a false sence of self-assurance. Therefore I do far more harm to myself and others than good. I love romance movies, the music swells as the lovers embrace, they longingly gaze into eachothers eyes and whisper "I love you" moments before their lips touch and they are caught up in the perfect kiss. Or my favorite is when the couple in the end after a long and toilsom battle realize that they are meant to be and promise never to leave eachothers side. It beautiful, but to me it's more than that, it's what I want it's what I need. I used to watch romance movies and come out angry and depressed because it was "guys" that preventing me from having a timeless romance like that. It's really quite twisted if you think about it. The persuit of that feeling is what I am addicted to and if I don't get it, like all other addicts I will begin to alter mylife style and manipulate the people around me to get my fix. I am no different than a person addicted to heroine or cocaine. My drug is self-gratifying actions, feelings, and words from other people. People are my syringes, and the feeling I get from my using them is My drug of choice.
posted by Amber at 3:02 PM
4 Comments:
Deep.
I bet it felt really good to get all that in writing...
The darkness does not like to be pulled into the light.
Keep pulling.
wow amber...
aaron pointed me here
i could never claim to be an addictive person maybe until now.. because i can clearly see that i have some of the same traits. i so badly desire intimacy and the feelings that go along with it... a real intimacy with another person that it sometimes consumes me. i wonder sometimes if it even exists aside from being a "feeling." i can't help but to think that this is not a healthy thing and is not what God has intended. i know it has interfered in my relationship with Him. I don't think that wanting that feeling is such a horrible thing. heh. it's when, as i'm sure you know, becomes a consuming flame.. burning out all rhyme and reason and becomes the very controlling essence of who we are that it is destructive. so, where does one go from here? maybe He is not going to lead me to intimacy with another person or you to healing until we each regain or find our intimacy with Him? I wonder if that's how it works??? maybe... tho no guarantees eh? i'll be praying for you.
dont be a stranger
brian
Thanks for commenting,
It's totally a God thing. I have to choose daily to live for God alone, and to pusure a deeper relationship with him. You guys are great.
Wow! You've put into words whats been in my head for years - amazing! Love, Chantelle (glycogirl)
Post a Comment
<< Home