So thankful....

I've spent a good portion of my adolecent and adult life believing in a fairy-tale that wasn't real. I've pursued romance in the oddest of ways and repeatedly lost the race. I guess that's where the problem is....I had never learned to stop long enough to let someone pursue me. I never understood why relationships were so hard for me to maintain and keep going. And though I'm sure there are countless reasons, I do know this...that the moment I stopped TRYING to make a relationship, i was awarded a potentally good one. It's funny, the person I thought I was supposed to be with stoped chasing the moment I stoped trying to make him and a person I never expected started the moment I quit looking. I have no expectation, no day dream fantasy. Just enjoying being bare and exposed as imperfect in EVERY way and being appreciated for it, instead of being punished or reminded of my faults and past mistakes.
I'm pregnant, by a man I have relatively no contact with....I'm not proud of that, but I'm okay with it because I need to be. I spend my time with a person who knows me...because I never had time to become someone else for him. I wasn't looking to have a relationship in fact I still don't WANT one. But i got one.....I got a friendship, honest and true. He didn't see me coming, I didn't see him coming and neither of us thought the other was what we had in mind. Maybe it's what SOMEONE else has in mind...for right now.
I'm being responsible, sensible, level-headed....boreing...and I've never enjoyed it more. I'm not headed toward the alter....I'm not even close and I choose for it to be that way. I'm not worried about weather or not I'll see him again tomorrow or if he'll call again. I enjoy what we have, one day at a time, while we have it. I just believe that what is supposed to happen will. I don't know what I'm doing and that's okay with me. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

This is me...now.

I'm tired more often then I used to be.
I'm happy being fat...go figure.

I don't fear not getting married anymore...call me cocky but I figure it'll happen eventually
I hate to ask for help, I'm being forced to learn how.
I still sing in the shower...off key.
I still love God, I'm just learning exactly how much He loves me.
I still read self help books and call it "improvement".
My dog pumpkin died....I have a new dog, Dory...I don't love her as much but I pretend to.
I still hate to be alone, as a result I rarely am.

My ex is no longer my best friend....I have found new friendships in new people.
I suddenly have more female friends then male.
I feel older then what I am...teaching high school doesn't help that.

I'm still getting to know me.

I have more knowledge shoved in my head then before...sometimes I pray for ignorance.

I'm still happy, just in a more realistic way...I'm not happy with some idea of what I should be but with who I am...understanding that I have the potential to be better, without changing the fundamental parts of ME.

I AM STILL BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE