This is me....

I love God...His Word is my road map and I read it OFTEN.
I have an overwhelmingly Large amount of knowledge shoved in my head.
I'm smarter then I look.
I have a weakness for shoes, tall guys, politics, chocolate, poker, and board games.
I write down Everything.
I'm writing a book, title unknown.
I'm freakin' hilarious when I'm not trying...I'm annoying when I am trying.
I don't really like TV...I read A LOT...I love music.
I want 4 kids, and I have them named.
I can throw a football, change the oil in a car, and a lot of other "ungirly" things.
I am a certified welder.
I love to feel pretty...I hate to get up early...And therefore rarely look as pretty as I could.
I obsess about my weight, and workout constantly.
I'm not really a blonde (sorry guys)
I love Abbott and Costello, the Three stooges, and Jerry Lewis movies.
I hate romance movies...But I'm a sucker for Dirty dancing.
I love my dog Pumpkin like a child, it's a little freaky.
I'm scared to death of never getting married.
I always sing in the shower...It doesn't always sound good.
I have a list of 100+ things I want to do before I die.
I ask a lot of questions.
I can count my female friends on one hand...I couldn't count my make friends on 4 hands.
My best friend is also my ex...I have no logical explanation for that.
I am totally directed and yet completely unpredictable.
I have realized that I have moments of genius followed by unstoppable silliness.
I do funny voices at inopportune times...I'm usually described as fun.
I love everyone...I'm learning to love myself.
I'm still growing, changing, learning, and getting to know who I am.

I am Amber Darleen Needham. I am recovering (daily) from a long-term trial of self destruction. I once was lost and by the Grace of God I am found, and I know I'm going to heaven.
This is me today and I'll be better tomorrow.

One of those days...

It's 1:39 am....And I'm not sleeping. I'm not even close to sleeping. My mind, like the turning of a wheel, reeling with thoughts of "what if's". The voice of self doubt is awake and calling my name gleefully pointing out all of my down falls and each of my failures. You know the voice...

"You're alone".... "Nobody loves you"..... "You'll never make it"... "You're too fat", "You're too ugly"... "Your not smart enough"... "You haven't worked hard enough"... "You'll never get over IT"...

SHUT-UP!!!!!!!

*I'm not alone.....I worship a Living God, I am NEVER alone!

*HIS love for me is greater then Anything this world has to offer!

*I live daily knowing that my path leads to the gates of Heaven, and I WILL make it there, everywhere else pales in comparison to the Kingdom of my God!

*I am beautifully and wonderfully made!

*I'll always work harder, there's always room for improvement and I'm okay with that!

*The Love and Mercy of Christ is great and at times beyond comprehension. Through Him I find my self forgiven....If HE can get over IT, I know I can!

The voice of doubt is now silent, feeling the feeling of self-forgiveness warming the coldest corners of my being....Take that.

To My Best Friend....An apology

For better than a year I manipulated you, hurt you, held you back, made you cry, sucked you into my drama, and aided in the halt of your spiritual growth. I saw you hurting, I saw the pain each time I used your dream as a tool to hurt you. You tried to leave but I held on tighter, you tried to gain distance and I pulled you in closer, I made you believe that I would fall apart with out you.
You rarely complained, and yet I convinced my self that it was all "your fault".
There is no way I can give you that time back, there's no way I can replace your last years at home, there's no way I can give you back the lost time with dear friends and fellow players, all I can say is I'm sorry and that falls far short of the apology you deserve.
There is no way to calculate the number of times I hurt you, I can only give you this....
I am so sorry....forgive me.
I admire your strength when I was beating down on you the hardest. I admire the changes in your life that you have made to become closer to Christ, I pray daily that you receive all the wonderful gifts of heaven that God has for you.
You can do anything, you can achieve anything, there are no heights that are out of your reach, And the only person you need is Jesus Christ.
Thank you for never giving up on me. Go out and live for God and God alone.

(here's to RIGHT starts and step one......3)

A Welcomed Silence

There is a quiet and stillness within myself tonight. It's the sweet recognition that I have changed and that God is moving in me. I have been challenged this week, pushed outside of myself and came out......better than just okay. My self image has improved as my realtionship with my Savior has strengthend. Single isn't a dirty word, I like my own reflection more and more, and for the FIRST time in my life I have more opportunities then obsticles on my path. Gad has blessed me and all Glory and Praise belongs to Him. I sitting alone but not lonely, there's no one talking to me, no resounding voice of doubt within my soul. I feel as though I'm forgiving myself. I've never fit so well in my own skin. Each day is a single step ahead, nothing spectacular, but progessive. I'm looking ahaed to my next foothold and ready to move forward.