So thankful....

I've spent a good portion of my adolecent and adult life believing in a fairy-tale that wasn't real. I've pursued romance in the oddest of ways and repeatedly lost the race. I guess that's where the problem is....I had never learned to stop long enough to let someone pursue me. I never understood why relationships were so hard for me to maintain and keep going. And though I'm sure there are countless reasons, I do know this...that the moment I stopped TRYING to make a relationship, i was awarded a potentally good one. It's funny, the person I thought I was supposed to be with stoped chasing the moment I stoped trying to make him and a person I never expected started the moment I quit looking. I have no expectation, no day dream fantasy. Just enjoying being bare and exposed as imperfect in EVERY way and being appreciated for it, instead of being punished or reminded of my faults and past mistakes.
I'm pregnant, by a man I have relatively no contact with....I'm not proud of that, but I'm okay with it because I need to be. I spend my time with a person who knows me...because I never had time to become someone else for him. I wasn't looking to have a relationship in fact I still don't WANT one. But i got one.....I got a friendship, honest and true. He didn't see me coming, I didn't see him coming and neither of us thought the other was what we had in mind. Maybe it's what SOMEONE else has in mind...for right now.
I'm being responsible, sensible, level-headed....boreing...and I've never enjoyed it more. I'm not headed toward the alter....I'm not even close and I choose for it to be that way. I'm not worried about weather or not I'll see him again tomorrow or if he'll call again. I enjoy what we have, one day at a time, while we have it. I just believe that what is supposed to happen will. I don't know what I'm doing and that's okay with me. :)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

This is me...now.

I'm tired more often then I used to be.
I'm happy being fat...go figure.

I don't fear not getting married anymore...call me cocky but I figure it'll happen eventually
I hate to ask for help, I'm being forced to learn how.
I still sing in the shower...off key.
I still love God, I'm just learning exactly how much He loves me.
I still read self help books and call it "improvement".
My dog pumpkin died....I have a new dog, Dory...I don't love her as much but I pretend to.
I still hate to be alone, as a result I rarely am.

My ex is no longer my best friend....I have found new friendships in new people.
I suddenly have more female friends then male.
I feel older then what I am...teaching high school doesn't help that.

I'm still getting to know me.

I have more knowledge shoved in my head then before...sometimes I pray for ignorance.

I'm still happy, just in a more realistic way...I'm not happy with some idea of what I should be but with who I am...understanding that I have the potential to be better, without changing the fundamental parts of ME.

I AM STILL BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE

I'm fat....happy now?

Well, it's no secret that I'm almost 7 months pregnant now and look like I swallowed a watermelon whole. I can't see my feet and at this moment am not sure if I have on matching socks and don't care. I'm having a boy, which as most "old wives tells" would say, that means I'm showing on my backside as well......This is a gross understatement for the supersized trunkload I'm lugging behind me. No one really tells you many "truths" about pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, so far this has been one of the most love-filled and happy times of my life, but there are some darn funny things about being prego that no one fills you in on prior to signing up. SO for all of you future child bearers, here's some incentive to put it off just a little longer....

Beware!!! I'm going to be graphic

1.) That "glow" they talk about is because oil is seeping from every pore in your body.
2.) There is no such thing as morning sickness....it's a slow and constant feeling of needing to barf but often no way of releaving that feeling....soon you begin to beg for vomit.
3.) Forget getting to crap...it's not going to happen, at least not easily...I said I look like I swallowed a watermelon whole when I need to go to the bathroom it feels liek it's trying come out the same way.
4.) Gas is no longer stuff you put in your car.
5.) Food you love you hate...food you hate you love...and at times you will look at road kill like you once looked at Taco Bell, simply because their is no limit or end to your constant hunger.
6.) You will...at least once...pee on yourself........you'll see.
7.) Crying isn't an option....not when yelling is more effective. Anger control is difficult get used to saying your sorry.... A LOT.
8.) Perfume smells like cat pee no matter how much it costs.
9.) thongs are NOT your friend!!! Trust me you don't want anything going up that crack...there is no telling if it'll ever come out again.
10.) Standing in the shower is not realistic...you can't reach the lower half of your body when your dry...adding water doesn't make it easier...just sit down and save the effort for putting on your shoes.
11.) Fashion means nothing, sweats are your new best friend, those designer jeans you once loved are now your worst enemy.
12.) Hemmeroids are no joke...they're real and they hurt, another reason to give up on the thongs.
13.) Sleep? HA! you can't sleep on your side, the baby will lay on your bladder and peeing every 10 mins makes for crappy sleep, not on your stomach either for obviouse reasons. Your back you say? Not when you've got a 20 pound boulder where your tummy used to be....

Well...this is just a taste of the daily folies of pregnancy. The list continues....I swear. I just don't want to scare you into celebacy altogether.

Morning Glory

It's different now, my enitre world is different. I haven't stoped being a happy person, I refuse to. Chad and I are doing great, we have a huge amount of respect for eachother, for our diffences and our quirks. I so thankful to know him, to have him in my life. To be able to be who I am and not the molding of another guys idea of what I should be. It's utterly freeing to be "naked", no smoke screen, no illusion. The love and support that has been shown to me by him, and my family has left me feeling more safe then I ever have before. I trust them to not judge me on my short-comings (God knows I have several).
This is a beautiful morning!!! I have a great job, I have a great partner, I have a great family, I have a Great God, and I have a great life...no matter the obsticles, the pain, or coming trials....I'm happy, and loved no one on earth can take that from me.

Thank God for small miracals (even the ones that seem like curses in the beginning).

Questions

I've spent the better part of a week reflecting on my life as I've known it the last year. And like anyone would, I'm left wondering if I always paid attention to the areas in my life that needed it most, or was I too consumed by what "felt" right to realize what "is" right. In the last week I have been shown more love then anyone person deserves. I have also been given the trust of those who I have always thought trusted me the least....my parents.
I have been put to the test, questioned and condemned, and still I find myself standing. I was asked to prove myself to my parents and the world and all I have to say is....so far, so good. I have made mistakes in the past and there are those who would like to hold that over me as reason to condemn me now, but I am a different person from who I was a year ago and the mistakes made then do not resemble the situation at hand.
I have many questions, as I'm sure others out there do...all I know is that I live one day at a time. I still look to improve daily. I still love those who have hurt me, it's not in me to hate anyone. I don't mind proving myself to anyone...I'm doing a great job of it so far :) and I'm not going to let the anger and vindictive nature of others drag me down.
I owe so much to those who have stood by me, believed in me, and shown me love....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you more then words can discribe.

Open wounds....

Is a miracle still miraculous if it’s not wanted or appreciated? I’m torn between to very real emotions….I want to be happy but how can I be?
My best friends have turned their backs on me.
One of the people I respect most in this world has erased me from his life…his blogs…his social world…everything.
I have met a wonderful man that daily helps heals that open wound and fills my life with laughter and happiness, but it doesn’t replace the hurt caused by knowing that I am actively being erased from the lives of some of the people I love most. How can memories, trials, and triumphs be erased so easily?
My life is on the brink of more BIG change and I’m excited about it…even if no one else is. I’ve hurt people I care deeply about and I don’t know how to fix it…I wish I could and I pray to God that each person could find it in themselves to forgive me. I shouldn’t feel bad for being happy…
I feel like moving away from those who seem to be erasing me anyway is the only logical decision. I’m moving after this semester, my life holds limitless opportunity and I’m not living up to that here. I want to move away, begin law school, and start my family.
My heart is crying out for closure at a time where it feels like I have none at all, just lingering questions and open wounds.

This is me....

I love God...His Word is my road map and I read it OFTEN.
I have an overwhelmingly Large amount of knowledge shoved in my head.
I'm smarter then I look.
I have a weakness for shoes, tall guys, politics, chocolate, poker, and board games.
I write down Everything.
I'm writing a book, title unknown.
I'm freakin' hilarious when I'm not trying...I'm annoying when I am trying.
I don't really like TV...I read A LOT...I love music.
I want 4 kids, and I have them named.
I can throw a football, change the oil in a car, and a lot of other "ungirly" things.
I am a certified welder.
I love to feel pretty...I hate to get up early...And therefore rarely look as pretty as I could.
I obsess about my weight, and workout constantly.
I'm not really a blonde (sorry guys)
I love Abbott and Costello, the Three stooges, and Jerry Lewis movies.
I hate romance movies...But I'm a sucker for Dirty dancing.
I love my dog Pumpkin like a child, it's a little freaky.
I'm scared to death of never getting married.
I always sing in the shower...It doesn't always sound good.
I have a list of 100+ things I want to do before I die.
I ask a lot of questions.
I can count my female friends on one hand...I couldn't count my make friends on 4 hands.
My best friend is also my ex...I have no logical explanation for that.
I am totally directed and yet completely unpredictable.
I have realized that I have moments of genius followed by unstoppable silliness.
I do funny voices at inopportune times...I'm usually described as fun.
I love everyone...I'm learning to love myself.
I'm still growing, changing, learning, and getting to know who I am.

I am Amber Darleen Needham. I am recovering (daily) from a long-term trial of self destruction. I once was lost and by the Grace of God I am found, and I know I'm going to heaven.
This is me today and I'll be better tomorrow.